Sad but Thankful

I'm feeling really sad today. Really. Sad. Being a grown up sucks. It just does sometimes. Life gets complicated somewhere along the way and it makes me sad. And there are only so many things you can do to "fix" the world, you know? Your situation. I am doing my very best to do everything I can to move us in a good direction, but I feel as if even the people who should be there with me moving in the same direction are sometimes pushing against progress. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm tired.  I'm worn out. I'm sad. I cannot help to change anyone else or make anyone do anything. But I am in charge of my own attitude, so I'm going to do something about that.

Here's a quick synopsis. Two years ago, friends, S was laid off. While his location was going very well and throwing off positive cash to the corporate office, because of some investments made before the 2008 downturn and a larger than acceptable debt load, the parent company was ailing and needed to shed cost.  It was difficult for him to process this turn of events at first, but ultimately it was a good thing. That's right, something GOOD came out of what seemed to be only bad. The good thing was he reduced his stress level, which was high, immediately. He had been under immense pressure and was seemingly given less and less control over changing that situation in the workplace. So, getting out of there was best for his health. And, it allowed him to be fully present and part of BB's birth. And feel like himself again. Restart, regroup. And, I had a great job, we had a low mortgage, manageable expenses, and a great network of family and friends nearby. We made it through, and we were fine. We were beyond fine, actually - we had some very special moments during that time.

He didn't even look for a new position for a while. He took a break. It was most important for him and our family to reset. Once he began looking, it took a while for him to find a new position, and it required us relocating across the country. There were not a lot of jobs out there when he was looking then, and so he cast the net wide. Moving meant selling our house, leaving my job, leaving our friends and family. Changing everything. Finding a new house, a new community, a new doctor, dentist, dry cleaner. A new school, new church, new friends. It was hard. It was a tough transition, because we moved a whole family to somewhere new!

We did it! I lead the charge! I didn't work outside the home, I put my heart and soul and hours of work into it, and I got us settled. We made friends. I found ways to connect. I found where to buy all the things we like to have. We settled LM into preschool and little BB into Kindermusik. LM played sports, we found a home, a great school district, a community. It took deliberate effort, but we really have a place here now. And, for the first time in 22 years, I was within driving distance to my family! We can drive there for short weekends, and they come visit us, and it's really, really nice to have that again. Also, I loved not being in the heat of a Texas summer. It was ah-mazing. I didn't even really mind the winter. It was almost cathartic to have four seasons in my life again. Yes, we miss our Texas family and friends, but we also have new friends and new stronger connections with family up here, and a wider network of love. And an opportunity for new experiences and expanding our mind.

At the same time, S started a job that never, really, from the first day, was what they sold him. They paid to move us across the country, and placed him in a situation that was not of his making and tied his hands from fixing it much of the time. Then, they took on obligations that tied up their cash. And, the personalities were never a good fit. But he worked all the time. He invested in the job. He worked hard. He made inroads even when the road was tough. He wasn't meeting the community much, though, or getting to know this place we now live. He poured himself into a job that wasn't ever great to try to make it work. And then, after only a year, they laid him off. Just like that. After all of this, they did that. Beyond our control, beyond our imagination, beyond fair. And this time, I wasn't working, we had a bigger mortgage, we had less in savings after the big move even though it was paid for by the company, and we are in a place we have just begun to know.

Luckily, due to a wonderful, generous connection I have, I was able to find work fast. This has been such a blessing and has kept us afloat. And the job market in general is much more robust than two years ago, and we are not living in the middle of nowhere. We are living in a place where many jobs are generally available. But, S is still looking for work. In a new place where he has not made many connections. Not that his vast network in Texas lead him to a job there either before we moved, but the network here is even smaller. So we are leveraging every angle. But, it's hard. And frustrating. And sometimes it's easy to dwell on the bad. Or think going back to the familiar is the only way. There has to be some reason we are here and a new path for us to find and blossom along. I mean, look at what happened two years ago - it seemed horrible at the time, but it was ultimately good. There will be good! But all of this is currently making me sad. It's bringing me down. And, I don't like to feel like this.

So, all of this is to say, I need to get out of this funk. There is a world of possibility out there, friends! And we have skills! We have opportunities many will never have! This is just a blip in the road! So, to try to get out of this funk, after writing all of this down, (which is therapeutic in itself) I am now going to list good things about this little ol' life of mine. Because, sister, the good outweighs the bad. It always does. And I - WE - are blessed people. We have so much compared to most humans on this earth. We are capable of so much - of many things - we are not living on Mars - we are living in a wonderful place - we are not without options and new adventures. It's just we aren't sure what those are yet. So here goes - the good in my life:

 - my God. My God has not forsaken me. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. Create in me that which is always good and wholesome and full of love. Even in this dark hour and confusing hour, I can find strength in my faith, which waivers regularly, but I know will always sustain me.

 - my S. He is my love, our Daddy, our smart guy. He makes us laugh, can pack a mean suitcase, makes some of the best pizza in the world, can wash, fold and put away laundry, and he is very handy. He knows how to read books to little guys, throw any kind of ball you're interested in catching, calm an upset child, give a fabulous hug, dance a mean jig, and even clean a toilet. He loves us. I could go on... He also can run a multi-million dollar company and is a whiz at controlling costs and motivating a team. He has so much to offer, so much great experience, and is so ready to be back at work. I want this for him, and I want it today! (patience is not one of my strengths...or S's for that matter. Ahem)

 - my boys - MY BOYS! What a blessing I have in my boys! What a joy they are, what amazing little beings they are, what a lucky woman I am to have them in my life. I mean, seriously, the fact I have these boys...I don't have the words to express what that has meant in my life.

 - my brain - it's always been an asset. Ha. I am a fairly smart girl, and I have great education and some even better experience. I have worked long enough to know what I'm doing but not long enough to not be able to keep learning.

 - a fabulous family, near and far, that love us and care for us, and want only the best for us. We love them. We are so blessed with these people. These God fearing, loving, lovable, positive, generally happy and healthy people. We have all of our parents who are fabulous grandparents to our children, and wonderful sounding boards and friends to us. We have siblings and cousins, aunts and uncles and others. We are not alone. We are part of one crazy mixed-up group of people that love us. And that is wonderful.

 - friends in many places! Dear friends of many, many years from school days, college days, old work colleagues, church friends - you name it, we know some amazing people. They do all sorts of things with their lives, and they are all good humans, and they are so good to us. I wish I could talk to all of them more often, I wish life brought us back together more regularly, and I wish only the best for all of them.

 - my health - excepting that I am fat as a tick and need to desperately lose weight and move more, I am in good health. So many people I know cannot say that, so I have my health, and I also have a healthy family. These are amazing things.

 - a history of good jobs and a good network - wherever that network is, and no matter how helpful they are or not, we have a good history, and that's more than a lot of people can say.

 - a house that I love. It was important to S that we buy a house here - not rent - buy - to be settled, to give the boys permanence and stability. And, while it was no easy task, we found a great house in a great neighborhood with wonderful neighbors. I love where we landed. I feel like Someone lead us there. There is a peace about the space and place. The boys fit there well. It is a good place to grow. And, by the way, this house has heat. And running water, sewers and electricity. Windows and doors that lock, and many more things much of the world would love to have. It's a great house. A wonderful thing. 

 - transportation that gets us where we need to go. So many people don't have this luxury. It is a luxury for sure!

 - my job! Something to keep us afloat. And, wonderful new people to meet and work with, and new skills to gain and new things to learn, and new situations where I can help others. It's taken a while to get settled in, but I'm getting my feet on the ground and feeling good.

 - fall leaves, crisp air, sunsets, a warm summer evening, snowballs, the new life of spring, walking barefoot in the grass, feeling the breeze on my face, sitting around a cozy fireplace, swimming in the salty ocean water, feeling the waves push up against my body, digging the sand into my toes

 - kissing my sleeping child, reading a good book, a warm bath, my bed at the end of a long day.

 - egg salad, pizza, ice cream, chocolate, green beans, a great salad, walnuts, asparagus, popcorn, Tex-Mex.

Clearly, this list is representative of the things I have to be thankful for. But, it's a good start.

See there? I'm already feeling better. I can keep on keepin' on. And by writing all of this down I can look back at it in a little while and laugh at my worry. I can make it! We will make it! We can do it - we can keep our eyes on the prize. We will be fine. I will not be sad.

It is not lost on my how this whiny post is really that - whiny. I - we - are privileged beings. We haven't begun to know the misery others face. I know nothing about really having to suck it up and live. I only know the tippy top of slightly uncomfortable middle-America suburban despair. And now I can remember that a little better now than when I started this post. Thanks for the therapy session!

See you soon.

My Big Boy is 5!

 

Just minutes old

Five years ago today, I got my very pregnant body, which had been struggling with blood pressure issues and did not enjoy the Texas summer heat, up and went to eat at IHOP with S and Dad at 4am - and gave birth to this boy at 1:11pm. Oh, how he has changed our lives forever!

 

One year old

He is so smart, interesting, stubborn and active. He lives life in a BIG, physical way. He has so MANY questions about this world of ours, and usually those questions are very interesting, even if I've had my fill of them at that moment. He thinks anyone he meets of any age is a potential friend and wants to hear his life story, and tell him theirs. He loves to imagine and pretend play. 

 

Two years old

He loves having the "right" outfit for every occasion - be it the firehouse, the baseball field, or Easter service. He is such a loving big brother, and sweet boy. He keeps this old mama on her toes, and on good days I keep up with him. 

Three years old

 

Four years old

He will be off to kindergarten soon, which is amazing to me! He might a visual mini-me of his Dad, but has a sentimental inside that is all from his Mom. (poor boy!) He has enriched our lives beyond measure.

 

Five years old!

Last night, when I went in to tell him goodnight, he said, "Mom, what is tomorrow?" I said, "It's your 5th birthday, silly boy!" And he said, "Oh yeah, right!" with a goofy grin from ear to ear. Happy, Happy 5th Birthday to our LM!

A Baby Boy Update

So, the last time I made a regular post about the Baby Boy, he was three months old. Last week, he turned seven months old. Ahem. Oh, and his big brother had a birthday too. But we'll save that for another day. Today is about Baby Boy. Here is an update on his little sweet life with a smattering of phone and "good camera" photos from the last four months:

So theses were the photos I took when he was 4 months old. This boy - this boy, is SO mellow. So calm, kind and sweet. I cannot overstate this. It's true. He's the best mannered baby on the planet. He really is. People comment on it when we are out in public all the time. He loves to be held and cuddled and talked to. He loves to stare back into your eyes and gurgle his affection right back to you.

He is also very long and lean - his length is in the 90% and his weight has been anywhere between 15-50%. So, skinny by baby standards.

On the day he turned 5 months old, we were on our first trip up to Chicago to look around and try to find a place to live. So, I snapped the shot above and the shot below in our hotel room, without the regular quilt and chair to take photos with.

BB has always shown interest in LM. But it was around this time that he really started watching him closely, laughing at his antics, and clearly enjoying his company. This is completely wonderful to watch. I love it. 

And those eyes of his - they are so beautiful!

When we were back home in Texas, I took some "5 and 1/2 month" photos on the quilt and in the chair for posterity. These photos in this batch are from that day. You can really tell his long, thin build in these - he is filling out this 12 month size outfit in length, but not at all in girth.

In this one, he looks like a china doll to me.

As usual, LM has to get into the act.
Of course, I'm fine with that.

Later in August, BB and I took another trip to Chicago to continue looking at houses.
LM stayed in Dallas with his grandparents and cousins, which he enjoyed.

And then, he was 6 months old on the quilt!

I started to worry about his motor development sometime during the 5th month, when I printed off the "ages and stages" questionnaire I had to fill out for the doctor for his 6 month visit. There were many parts of the questionnaire that he wasn't hitting. I took him in early to ask the doctor about it, and I started being methodical about working with him on his motor skills. The doctor didn't think there was a neurological issue, or any reason to worry. He just thought he was maybe a little tiny bit behind. By the time of his 6 month appointment, he had caught up to be in the "normal" range for gross motor skills and only slightly behind in fine motor skills. And, his cognitive, social and communications skills are through the roof. So, I am still working with him diligently on his motor skills every day. 

Social skills at this age - making great eye contact, smiling at people, especially and more easily to people he knows and recognizes, and making other faces/expressions to those he knows. Communication skills at this age - consonant sounds and lots of vowels and gurgles, high and low sounds, growling sounds, and starting to repeat consonants. 

I'm not sure how I ended up with two verbal boys, but so far, that is exactly what I have! We will see if this stays the same as they grow and change. People comment on how their coloring is so different. Indeed their coloring is very different! But, they look a lot alike too. Genes are a funny bunch!

This was taken at our "house cooling" party just before we left Dallas,
and just after he turned 6 months.

I love this one of the three of us.

I was feeding BB fruits and vegetables, and even tried some rice cereal, once in a while, before he turned 6 months old. He did not do well with the rice cereal, so we have moved to oats. And, since he has turned 6 months, we eat fruits and vegetables with some oats thrown in twice a day. 

And now,  just before he turned 7 months, he pushed through two teeth!

He continues to improve in his motor skills - here he has rolled and scooted once again off the sheet I put down on the floor for him to play on. He also is using his hands more, grabbing for toys and bringing them to his mouth. That photo up there shows a bit of his happy, mischievous personality. He loves to laugh and be entertained, for sure. And, LM is happy to oblige on those counts. 

And then, last week, he turned 7 months!
Photos on the quilt and in a stand-in chair at the corporate apartment.

And, while he's not sitting up by himself yet, he can sit for quite a while like this, resting on his hands. We are also going to add some oats and fruit at breakfast as well in the coming weeks, making our "food" eating three times a day. We are still breastfeeding - how simple and wonderful it is to be able to do that for him and not have to pump and make bottles regularly! I feel spoiled on this account, and honestly, probably saved me breastfeeding him this long. With LM I was determined to make it 6 months and then a year. With this sweet boy, the stress of the job was going to make it hard for me to do the same. But now, we can keep doing it as long as the supply keeps up. And, amazingly, when I'm not working and not stressed about a move - now that we are sort of into a routine here in Chicagoland - my supply has been more stable and plentiful. Imagine! Lower stress equals more milk. Ha.

When we practice sitting up and using our core muscles (both of us - ha) we do it in front of a mirror. This was a trick I accidentally figured out in Dallas before our move. When I put him in front of the mirror where he could watch that baby staring back at him, he was more willing to sit and work. So, when we got to Chicagoland, we bought a cheap back of the door mirror and placed it lengthwise on the floor so we can sit in front of it to help us enjoy our motor skills workouts. 

These two are the best of buds.
I know someday this won't be the case, but I pray they will have each other.

Oh, how I love these boys!

So, there's a quick and dirty update on my sweet baby boy. Of course, we'll cover more fun things as I get updated on some of the other stuff we've been doing. I love him and feel completely blessed to get to be his mama. 

See you soon.

LM's First Day of Preschool

I gotta start somewhere and get back to blogging - I mean, this is my personal account of our lives - my diary - my scrapbook - my memories! So, why not start with the first day of preschool.

We are moved, sort of, to Illinois. We are still in a corporate apartment - closing on a house early next month. S's job is in full swing, I am getting used to being home full time, living in the Midwest, and in the suburbs all at once. I have to say the suburbs part has been the toughest so far - just not like our old neighborhood. But, it'll be fine. I'll get there. Lots of change for all of us.

And, after searching far and wide for a preschool with an opening for LM, we found one! He started last Monday. Here are some photos:

I made him a sign.

Yes, that's right people, I went to Pinterest, and I copied some idea there, and I made the boy a sign. And, by God, I intend for him to stand by it for the next 15 years. We'll see how long it lasts.

We visited the school twice before the day he started. At the beginning of the summer, his cousin Alexandra told him she was out of school for summer break. He wanted to know why he didn't get to go on summer break. Ahem. So, when we took him out of daycare in July before our move, we told him he was going on summer break. He asked me the other day when was summer break over, because he wanted to go back to school. He has been craving the stimulation, camaraderie and routine. 

He was very excited to get back into school, and psyched about the first day. We decided to put him in three days a week, half days, so it's still way less than he was going before. We will see how that goes…

As an aside - I've been eating my way through this move. If you thought (and I did) I was fat before (because I was) now I am F-A-T. Seriously bad. Hoping to start reversing that trend in the coming weeks. Pray for me. Pray that I don't eat sweets. That's my downfall. Well, one of them, anyway.

Everybody had their photo with the school-day boy.

S went in late so he could go with us for the first day. We were a little early, so we showed S around the school, which he had not seen yet. 

Checking out the class, the class checking out the new kid.

There are dress-up clothes. Everything will be fine.

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't address the backpack. That was S and his choosing - they are two peas in a pod when it comes to getting the most outrageously over the top thing when it comes to something like this. We could have gotten the ninja turtle one at Target. Of course we could not do that. He can hike the Appalachian Trail with that one, as my uncle pointed out on Facebook. Yes, of course he can.

S talked him into staying, and he had a great time. He's going to love it - love meeting new friends and having a new routine. And, sister, me and BB hit the mall for some much needed clothes shopping for me. I found a couple new tops before we had to go back and pick LM up. Tomorrow, I'm going to get a flu shot. We're exciting like that. 

More later - I have tons to catch up on, and tons going on still. 

See you soon.